It’s been a while since i wrote, i have a list of things i want to write about but i guess i am just not quite ready yet.
Currently led on my bed before going to work, listening to country music and reflecting on things.
I am an eclectic when it comes to music, I grew up with a musical dad, we used to go as little ones to watch him at his gigs and go to band practice with him.
My favourite times as a child was if we had a power cut, Dad would light the fire and we would sit having a sing song whilst he played the guitar. This makes me smile when I think about these moments.
Growing up Dad was our rock but I also have trauma from things that happened. I understand now that him walking out over and over again was his was of getting away, he had enough at times and needed to run. I am very similar in this way, maybe it’s a learnt behaviour but maybe it’s in our blood? Fight or flight, I fight and fight until i am at breaking point then the flight instinct would kick in. Seems dad did the same.
Dad would always get us a treat on a Friday, I used to love raiding his lunch box and seeing what he had left that i could eat! He always saves a little something now for his dogs but now i see that he intentionally would leave a little something for me too.
Dad did his best to protect me, to protect me from certain family members, from things that he knew were happening on the outside world, the weight of that must of been a lot, especially as he couldn’t protect us fully from still having childhood trauma. I don’t blame him, although i do feel he would have had a nicer, happier life if he had stayed away when he left that time when I was 9. I always said I would live with him and I really meant it. He made me feel safe.
I remember going in to my bedroom in our family home, where I was staying when I visited mum, he left a note saying “He was fighting and one day I would get to live with him properly.” Then one day they called me in the room and told me the news. They were getting back together. Damn, here we go again, late night shouting, Dad walking out. Maybe this time would be different? It kind of was and they had great times but they just ended up co-existing and still dad had moments where he would say he was off. So really what was the point?
This did teach me though, that no matter what I would protect my children, walk away from unhappy relationships, it might hurt at the time and be difficult for the kids but it had to be way better than growing up in a house full of screaming and shouting? I wanted my children to see their mum happy in a relationship, filled with laughter, cuddles, fun and endless love even through the hard times. Took me a long time, a marriage break up, but i got there in the end.
Funny how just listening to a certain few songs has made me feel I could open up a little today.
The sun is shining, I feel more uplifted and maybe soon I will be able open up a bit more.
If you can relate I am sending you a hug, I know sometimes that inner child needs that more than we know.
With Love,
The Spirited Nurse x
The Spirited Nurse. 